BCI NET 2/BCI NET 2.iso/archives/textfiles/jokes3.lha/jokes_3/Interesting_Stuff_5

Text File | 2002-08-23 | 55.5 KB | 1,247 lines

                                 From the
                            JOKIN' AROUND DISK
                                    by
                            LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
                        P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
                          South Australia. 5159.




What with all the divorces and remarriages, the family tree has turned into
a veritable thicket.

The nickel cigar is a thing of the past.  It won't return again. It can't!
The Environmental Protection Agency won't let it...

Of course, as I am sure all of you know, those who buy products for various
adult book stores by the products by the gross.

You know why it is so easy to keep making the same mistakes?  Because practice
makes perfect.

Imagine the real disappointment of those people who have been wrong in  their
predictions about the end of the world.  Talk about embarrassment...

Some people remain as fit as a fiddle, whereas most of us more closely resemble
bass violins.

If Yassir Arafat isn't careful, he can make a reputation for himself as a peace
monger.

You really are getting older if you can remember when the band could play on,
even during a power outage.

Carrots do something for children's vision.  Kids can spot carrots no matter
how you disguise them.

One of the distinctions by which you can tell a doctor from a lawyer is that
you can not read the writing of a doctor.  On the other hand, you can not
understand the conversation of a lawyer.

If the top of the fridge gets dusted, you know that the guests who are coming
are very important.

The poet who gets up and goes to work immediately will soon burn out...to much
going from bed to verse.. (Oh, pardon, I am really sorry about this, really!)

In regard to body language, there are some who speak a better class of language
than others.

The magic in the marriage has faded a little when he would rather see flour on
her hands than flower in her hair.

When you do attain perfection, you will also acquire that feeling of being lost
in unfamiliar territory.

You can tell a doctor as far as you can see him, but you can't tell him much.

One of the things older folks like to give is advice, as a form of consolation
for not being able to give bad example.

Things You Really Need to Know Department: Spam now comes in four varieties,
including Spam Light!  Truly, life is wonderful..

How many angels can you get into a Honda?  Not one is excluded, according to
Scripture, "All in one Accord."  (Whew! I did that again.  Oh, how awful!)

Movie ratings are now a device whereby adults can discern which movies are
unsuitable for them to see.

With the electronic clock replacing the big hand and the little hand, and with
Velcro replacing the shoestring, about the only educational area left for the
parents is toilet training.

Is there some secret significance in the fact that "spouse" rhymes with some
other terms, "louse," and ""souse?"

Poetic justice is when an attorney is sued for malpractice.

A computer may not be able to foul things up as well as a human being, but it
does it much faster and with a great deal more efficiency.

There was a time when the movie "The Moon is Blue," was considered a really
dirty trash movie.  Now, if it played at all, it would put a lot of folks to
sleep.

I know that Aesop told us "Every truth has two sides; it is well that we look
at both sides, before we commit ourselves to either."  However, you always
chose the wrong side and are never right, so I think the discussion is closed.
Once and awhile, when you agree with me, you violate this general rule.

How can I tell what I think until I see what I say?  And how can I say what
I think unless someone asks me?

There is nothing so ugly and horrendous as a reasoned argument, especially
when it does not favor our opinion.

Injustice is relatively easy to bear.  It is justice that really hurts.

When planning anything, it is well to have a strong appreciation for the
contingent provisional happenstance and its possible probability.

Call the Holistic Astrological Counselor at the Psychofeminist Unisex Therapy
Control and Neutered Psychological Facility for information on your potential
as a vessel of Cosmic Truth using Karmic B Delta Waves in Upper Side Band mode.
Let the Ultimate Duality of Your Cosmic Reality allow the Oneness of the
Universe flow through you and bring you to nonmaterial harmony with the entire
metaphysical angst of your being.  If this fails, take two aspirins and call me
tomorrow at the office.

I know perfectly well where most Rock stars belong, but I seriously doubt that
the Betty Ford Clinic can handle all of them at the same time.

Ignoramus: Someone who doesn't know what any idiot can tell you without even
so much as a thought, which you learned yesterday, after six tutorial lessons.

Mohammad Ali was on the plane and it was about to take off.  The stewardess
came by and said "Please fasten your seatbelt!"  MA answered "Superman don't
need no seatbelt," to which the stewardess replied, "Superman don't need no
plane, either!"  I think he lost this one...

Ready for this one....cable television is bidding for the right to telecast
grade school basketball games.  This tells you about how exciting the programs
are going to be.  Maybe we can get Phil to extend his program for another hour.

You can tell the quality of humanity is going down, just look at everybody else.

Democracy is the substitution of election by the incompetent many rather than
appointment by the corrupt few.  In democracy, what you get generally is bad
government by a bully, tempered by the pen of several newspaper editors.

Law is seldom understood by those who make the law, those who enforce the law,
and those who break the law.  Other than these, things are fine.

If you are doing a lot of it, but don't know what you are doing, it is often
considered unquestionable to say you are in basic research.

I know you think that you understood what you thought I said, but I am not all
that sure that you understand that I seldom say what I think and even less
often do I mean what I say.

Your complete and thorough diagnostician is one who can put one finger in the
throat and one in the rectum simultaneously.

If you want to avoid problems, never become good friends with an animal, since
it lasts but a short while.  On the other hand, never become friends with men,
they last too long!

Of course I am sure you all know by now that Kraft Foods is going to establish
a factory in the Middle East.  As a matter of fact, it is building the plant
at this very time.  In a place called Nazareth.  It is going to market a new
series of products called Cheeses of Nazareth.  (Oh, I am sorry about that one.
Smells like over-ripe limburger, whew!)

Second marriages often represent the triumph of hope over experience.

When a man marries a women to educate her, and the women marries the man to
reform him, it is not marriage; it is a sign that two idiots have met.

If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor would make a
wonderful living.

The J.S. Bach Show: Non-union musicians come on show to discuss why they are
baroque.

Moses at Midnight:  Featuring God as Guest This Evening, Author of Stone
Tablets and The Ten Commandments.  Will plug book.

Say, That's Revolutionary:  Host, George Washington, invites guests, Alexander
Hamilton, Tom Jefferson and others to recall their thoughts.

Rome Tonight:  Hey, watch out, when sharing your spaghetti, you can get the
plague by sharing a noodle.

Nostradamus Predicts: Where Geraldo will next spend two hours on national TV
doing something completely worthless.

Morton Downy Show: An extended program to accommodate the filthy language
marathon currently in progress.

When Vice President Quayle was asked about his opinion on ethics, he said that
every community should have some.  If it would help the economy, he is willing
to help some facility of this nature relocate.

What do they mean, school doesn't prepare you for life?  What better
preparation than cafeteria food to prepare you for what you will eat in flight
on almost any airline?

I wish they could find a way to serve the same food on the ground that they
serve on airlines, when you are up there in the sky.  I'm looking for a way
to make my dog stop begging for scraps from the table, and airline food is
a sure answer.

They are referring to the current Vice President as "Bush's Bogie," because
Dan is not quite up to par.

A friend, very much in shape and well muscled, often given to quoting the
idiomatic expression of the gym "No pain, no gain,"  goes to the K-Mart,
rides around the parking lot looking for a place close to the entrance for
five to seven minutes, so he won't have to walk too far to get in the store.

An exceedingly jealous husband, driven by total insecurity, often accused his
wife of infidelity.  In fits of rage, he would come home and tear the place
apart, looking for the man who wasn't there. Arrives home two hours early one
day, and starts in the basement, tearing and throwing things, up through the
first floor, and then on into the attic,searching in vain,and finding no one.
Gets out ladder and goes to rooftop to examine all four sides of chimney stack.
Finds no one.  Coming down, misses a step on the ladder and falls to a very
sorry and untimely death.  Goes to heaven, is fitted with garb and the very
first person he meets is his best friend, who lived on earth just across the
street from him.  His friend asks him how he managed to die.  So the jealous
husband tells him about his accident.  Man tells him that neither of them
really should be there.  "Why" asks the jealous husband.  "If only you had
thought to look in the deepfreeze, then both of us would still be on earth."
(A terribly sexist joke with horrible theological implications.  Incorrect
all around, sorry, really about all of this.)

My friend complained to the city about the scales they put out on the side
walks.  He doesn't mind that the thing takes a dime and says he only weighs
thirty pounds, but he would appreciate it greatly if they would fix those
things so he could get his fortune card and be on his way.

You know you are overweight when you get on a talking scales in the Mall and
it says "One at a time, please."

Then there is this item about Jim Kloker, a farmer near Arenzville, Illinois.
He had a concrete deer permanently placed in his front yard.  A real deer
came into his yard, mounted the concrete deer and made love to it.  This is
undoubtedly a case of statutory rape!

The deer would not go away and was diligent in his efforts, mounting the
statue time after time.  Finally, exhausted, the deer left, slowly and with
deliberation.  The buck was spent, but the doe was saved!  (Oh, here I am,
doing THAT again, sorry, sorry, really, terribly.)

The world would really benefit from a device which prevents people calling
your home when you are on the throne...

The less time there is to fulfill a given demand, the greater the demand and
the longer it will take to fulfill, and when you are finished, you will have
done the wrong thing.

If you meet a man who tells you that his favorite food is barbecued garlic
cloves, you are talking to what is basically a very lonely man.

Never underestimate the power of tinkering. If you tinker with something
long enough, it can be broken.

A very commonly used simple one piece component is urgently needed for a
serious emergency.
               A.  It is not in stock.
               B.  It is made of three parts, and one is missing.
               C.  There are l4 on hand, but none are the right size.
               D.  The stock clerk misplaced it in a separate location.
               E.  What was ordered is not what was needed.
               F.  The last one on hand was dispatched to the wrong location
                              and has not yet been returned.
               G.  The manufacturer's catalogue does not list any such part.
               H.  This particular piece is hand made by tribesmen in a very
                   remote region of an underdeveloped nation with slow mail
                   and no other form of communication.
               I.  This part is listed as indestructible and guaranteed for
                   life, so no back-up is carried in stock.
               J.  When the manufacturer was contacted, this item was listed
                   as discontinued in l967.
               K.  It is currently on sale at K-Mart.
               L.  It is coming in Priority Mail, and should be here within
                   months.
               M.  We just happen to have 400 of this item, but none of them
                   are metric threaded and so they will not fit the system.
               N.  OSHA listed this item as hazardous to both the operator and
                   the user and it is illegal to have such a thing in your
                   possession.
               O.  Shift supervisor advises substitute replacement with a paper
                   clip.
               P.  We just sent a dozen of these down there yesterday, what are
                   you doing with all of them?

Of course, you all know about ham and eggs. The pig invests for life, but the
chicken keeps coming back for an encore performance.

Random emergencies tend to accumulate to await the most inconvenient time to
occur simultaneously in the most disastrous manner.  The person in charge at
the time will be the most inept.  The solutions applied at the time will be
the most unheard of and impossible, absolutely unworkable imaginings of a
truly ignorant person.  Everything will work out well until a truly competent
expert shows up, and then the real trouble starts.

Never trust a neuro-micro surgeon whose favorite and most often repeated
expression is "Whoops!"

OK. Ok. Already.  So Vice President Dan Quayle made a mistake.  He knows,
now at least, that Nepal isn't in South America.  He is sorry.  Geez...
He is going to make a foreign trip, and this time, he knows where he is
going.  He is going to Albuquerque, and he knows this is the Capitol of
Mexico.  Some of these geography buffs are really critical types.....

People ought to leave Jimmy Swaggart alone.  On the other hand, Jimmy
Swaggart ought to leave people alone.  Or something like that...

If you have never failed, you probably will not succeed, because even if you
do, you won't know it.

If you don't expect anything, it is quite likely that your anticipation will
reach fulfillment, and you will get nothing.

When you get right down to it, in the long run a short cut seldom is.

It is much harder to accomplish something when you set out to do it without
any idea of what it is you want to do.

Most often the correct thing to say to most people is nothing.

There is one sin that is unforgivable, and that is to be unforgiving.

Never put great value in what you are not, and do not put little value in
what you are.

You get more than you give when you give more than you get.
If you don't want any, than don't give any, and you will get even less back.

Everybody has to be somebody to someone, somewhere, sometime, so that they
can be anybody to anyone at anytime.

A little of a good thing can go a long way, like for example, garlic.

If you have nothing worth while to say, don't open your mouth, and people
won't see the sawdust.

Never shake hands with the operator of a chain saw when he is working.

There is one difference between the taxidermist and the tax collector. The
first leaves the hide, the second doesn't.

Define Your Terms Department: A slight tax increase ($ 300.00 per person).
A Substantial Tax Cut ($ .30).

National Needs Department: What this nation dearly needs is a tax system which
looks like it was designed for some purpose other than robbery.

Everything in life is somewhere else and you get there by car.

Water really has no value....until the well runs dry.

Many a man has found the acquisition of wealth only a change, not an end of
miseries, for often a great fortune is a great slavery.  The person who has
it is a slave to it, rather than being the master of it for great wealth and
contentment seldom share the same household.

Lots of folks live without working and even more work without living.

There is no limit to the work I can do and produce, if it is not the work to
which I am assigned, or the work I must get done.

Consider your life dull if you happen to be in three airports in the same
month.

It seems to be a salubrious verisimilitude that fish are squamous.

No wonder there is water pollution.  Everyday, some 300 million bottles of
Coca Cola are drunk by people around the world.

In this age of technology, it takes a lot of time to decide what to do with
all of the time we have saved.

Beware when in the company of yourself since you are a practicing homosapien.

Things You Need to Know Department: Each year, some 200 or more people die
while watching televised football games.

Our government is difficult.  If you save money, you pay taxes on it.  If you
spend money, you pay taxes on it.  If you don't have any saved or don't spend
any, than the government gives you some.

Why hasn't TV come up with a popular show like "What's My Disease?"

The President and Mrs. Bush had to pass up a diplomatic reception for one of
the new Ambassadors the other day....couldn't get anyone to stay with the
Vice President.  Mrs. Bush was quoted as saying "you don't dare leave them at
home alone at this age," and everyone seems to have understood.

Most major cities have a park and recreation department, but most of these
same cities have a park that isn't included within the department involved.
It is called Noplaceta Park, named after Mr. and Mrs. Wilbur Noplaceta.

If you get on the telephone and call an onion to hear a ring, you are a truly
sick person.

Oral Contraception: He asked this girl to sleep with him and she said no.

Television is a wonderful thing, and since it came along, I hardly ever watch
my radio anymore.  Television has done much for psychiatry by making everyone
aware of it.  Of course, television has also increased the need for it, too.

One of the reasons Roller Derby didn't make it on television was that there
wasn't enough violence.  Here is a suggestion for filling in this void: Let's
have a new sport developed called: Hocky Team Gang Boxing with Crowbars.

An unhappy voter told the candidate, "I wouldn't vote for you if you were
St. Peter himself." To which the candidate replied, "If I were St. Peter,
you COULDN'T  vote for me, since you would not be in my district."

Two people were born in Indiana, one went off to sea and the other became
the Vice President of the United States.  Neither was heard from again.

It is not good to try to lead people by hitting them over the head, but for
some few, having a bat handy is helpful, just in case.

If you do not know where you are going, you can take almost any road, in
whatever direction, and it will get you there.  Of course, when you get there
you will be no more lost than you were when you were here.  We would all miss
you if we knew you had arrived, but of course we didn't so we won't.

A critic is a person who knows the way but can't drive the car.

What you will be you are becoming today.

Did you hear the joke about the moron who kept saying no?
Did you hear the joke about the moron who kept saying no?
Did you hear the joke about the moron who kept saying no?

Before you unburden yourself of your problems, recall to mind that half the
people to whom you tell these could not care less, but if they could, they
would make the effort.  The other half, to whom you might unburden yourself,
are happy to hear of your misfortunes, thinking that finally, you are getting
what you deserve.

You know that the day is not off to a good start when someone tells you that
your unimportance is only matched by your truly great insignificance.

Help stamp out the rumor that the Pope uses bowling shoes made of woven
parsley leaves. Of course, in stamping out something of this nature, you
may START something!

An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but if you don't floss, the dentist
will get you!

Two men were out fishing.  They noticed a squirrel go out on a downed limb,
to retrieve a nut sitting at the very end of the limb.  As the squirrel got to
the end of the limb, a giant catfish jumped from the water and the squirrel
disappeared.  The men could hardly believe what they had seen.  While they
were still watching, the fish appeared again, and put a new nut on the end
of the limb!

Rules for Diet:
     1.  If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
     2.  If you drink a diet soda and a candy bar, these two items will
         automatically cancel each other out.
     3.  Calories don't count if you eat with someone and you both eat the
         same amount of the same thing.
     4.  Food which is consumed for medicinal purposes only does not count.
         This includes potatoes, doughnuts, cakes, chocolates and most forms
         of liquor.
     5.  If everyone around you gets a little fatter, you will automatically
         seem to appear thinner.

A State Trooper caught a speeder in Tuochumsiah.  However, the State Trooper
could not spell Tuochumsiah properly, so he had to let the speeder go. He
followed the man and caught him in Ida!

In California,if you are not seeing a psychiatrist, people think you are crazy.

What is a Boss? A boss is one who can tell a very old stale joke and everyone
laughs.

T.V. Evangelism is successful because it has sects appeal!

When you get to be the age of George Burns, it is unwise to buy green bananas!

Talk about nightmares! Imagine being Salman Rushdie's insurance man.

It could have happened.  John Tower could have been the Defense Sec. and a
girl named Dixie could have been named to the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Casey Stengel: "All right, you guys, line up alphabetically, according to
your height."

Casey again: "You put a left handed batter up against a right handed pitcher
and a right handed pitcher up against a left handed batter and on cloudy days
you put up a fast pitcher and on warm days a slow pitcher."

The Bride said, "I'm going home to Mother!" The Groom responded, "Good, I'll
join you and we can both get a decent meal."

While it is true that you are free to say what you think in this great land,
it should be said that it is helpful to think what you are going to say before
you do it.

The most convincing evidence we have for tolerance is something called the
Golden Wedding Anniversary.

Vice President Dan Quayle is parking in handicapped spaces in Washington, and
has not yet been arrested or given a ticket!

Some folks would fret themselves to death if they had nothing to worry about.

The most common form of illegal gambling is crossing the street in the middle
of the block.

Soon enough it will come to pass that you will be able to take a vacation to
Mars, and soon enough it will come to pass that you will be able to discover
that your luggage has gone to Pluto.

A good indication of the worth of much of the current music is that none of it
is worth singing in the shower.

Now that long distance calls have replaced writing home for money on the part
of most collegians, we are deprived of literary efforts toward greatness.

Free speech is far more valuable than cheap talk.

One of the finest tests of indestructibility of an army tank would be to put
it on as baggage on an airline flight.  If it comes out of this without being
destroyed, it is worth buying.

While everyone can't be rich, wise and handsome, two out of three isn't bad.

Yes, you are getting older if no one has recently tried to talk you either out
of or into something.

A good number of people race trains to the railroad crossing to avoid the
wait.  However, in case of a tie, you lose.

Money talks, but it is not obliged to tell the truth.

If they can now make a whistle only a dog can hear, how come they can't make
music only a teenager can hear?

Adam to Eve: "Do you still love me?" Eve to Adam: "Who else?"
(Original Joke involves same folks as Original Sin!)

Pelicans have switched from sardines to herring.  The reason is obvious.
The smaller fish just didn't fill the bill!  (Oh, I am sorry, really!)

One of the top songs of the year certainly should be dedicated to our Savings
and Loan institutions - "Don't Worry, Be Happy!"

I was out rowing in the lake the other day and when I came in, I noted that my
name was spray painted several places on the pier.  Now, I've finally done it,
achieved recognition from my piers!  (Oh, well, sorry about this one too!)

Things are not going well with me. There is a brain-drain in my home town
that has been going on for some time now and is rather thorough.  I wanted to
stay around, but was asked to leave by the rest of the permanent residents who
felt I was too dumb!

If you are called upon to give a talk in public, there is a way to make sure it
will be a success.  Have a good beginning and an excellent ending, and keep the
two as close together as possible.

The seafood in any restaurant is always fresh, even in Nebraska, if you ask
before your order it.

You really can't believe anyone but yourself, and don't push that too far!

Like many people, one of my secret suspicions is that permanent press isn't
really.

Never try to put on your pullover sweater if you are chewing bubble gum.

The less known about a really attractive opportunity, the more it is what is
says it is.

If you don't need it, you will have in on file, and if you need it, the file
will be lost, or you don't have it.  The more urgent the need, the less
likely you will be to find the needed response.

Return on investments seldom does!  The government owns all the detour signs.

Never try to adjust your clothing in a crowded elevator.

Many of today's students think of themselves as having accomplished reading
skills, if they can read through the TV listings for the evening.

No matter how friendly you would like to be, it is not a good idea to shake
hands with the mechanic, just after he comes from under the car.

It is not wise to express friendship at an auction by waving at your friends.
Costly it is, wise, it isn't..

You know that times are not easy when your basic economy car comes at a base
price of over $ l0,000.00.

The volume of the bark of a dog, times the frequency at which the dog barks,
is inversely proportional to the IQ of the owner of the dog.

Most people fear the Republicans because they don't seem able to solve the
problems.  Most people fear the Democrats because they do seem able to solve
problems, but it always costs a lot more money than anyone was willing to
admit.

As a grown person, you should know better than to go around advising people.

The most recent news is that zucchini growers have been able to produce more
zucchini than makers of recipes have been able to make recipes.

Always strive to become the boss on your job.  Otherwise, they may give this
position to some other dumbbell.

At all banquets and public functions involving food and talk, an expert is
employed to place the microphone too low for tall people, too high for short
people and just enough distance from where the speaker will be so that a good
solid hum will occur.  A real expert can increase this hum just as the main
speaker begins his or her address.  Immediate adjustments will be made and
the speaker will be unable to be heard and everyone will go home unhappy,
but not nearly as unhappy as they would be if they had heard what the main
speaker really had to say!

Don't ever forget to remember that double negatives are a no no and you don't
never use them.

In a health club, if only one locker is occupied, it will be the one just
above yours.

When you have a lot of things to do, first things first, get your nap out of
the way before all else.

You are reaching maturity when the morning after is too high a price to pay for
the night before.

If you don't have the cash, you won't have the check, and even if you do have
the check, you won't have the ID, and even if you do, they won't take it.

Only when you are alone does the house make those strange noises, which is why
no one else has ever heard them.

Never kiss a lady on the hand, especially just after her return from one of
those self-service gas stations.

Drinking and driving do not mix.  Besides, even when you are just sitting in
the car, the gasoline tastes terrible.

It is not the person who fouled up and was found guilty that will be
remembered. It is the person who warned about the difficulty that will.

You will never know until you have found out, and when you do find out, you may
well wish you had not known.

Generally, people will be more forcefully in opposition to the fluoridation of
the water, if they have false teeth.

You spend the first half of your life wondering if people will purchase the
services you have to offer.  The second part of your life is spent wondering
if those who purchased the services you offered will ever get around to paying
for what they purchased.

Just because it has worked well for others is no sign it will work well for
you.

Never look up a word you can't spell and never spell a word you can't look up.

On very rare occasions when chance overcomes all other considerations by
sheer accident, statistics may actually prove the truth.

Never pass a bathroom and you'll always be glad you didn't.

Let a smile be your umbrella, but take along a raincoat just in case.

Good news seldom if ever arrives by registered mail.

Never blame on malice what can be easily explained by stupidity.

It is expensive living on this earth today, but it includes a free trip around
the sun.

There is never a day so bad that tomorrow couldn't be worse.

Any time an agency hires a person to resolve complaints, that person will have
no power whatsoever to deal with the nature of your problem with the agency
in question.

Mother's Day is not celebrated properly on the correct date. It should be
properly celebrated, on the first day of school.

Clothing Purchase Rules:

If it feels good, it is downright ugly.
If it looks good on you, it hurts to wear it.
If it is on sale, they don't have your size.
If it is absolutely awful, they have it, in your size, on sale.
If it is worse than this, you get two for the price of one.

There is really no need for soap operas.  Each of us leads a life of our own,
the pace is a bit slower and the dialogue a little less certain, but the dirt
is there.

Long term policy usually isn't.

To anyone named Bo-Peep, Tiger, Gator, Moose, Horse or Flower, give a very
wide birth, even if this is just a nickname.

One of the more fragile things in life is the unbreakable guarantee.

Trouble is most often expansive and expensive.

Never, under any circumstances, say "Never."

The need lessens considerably if everyone else in the doctor's office has
already had their flu shot.

One thing to be said about Packard Automobiles, none of them were recalled!

It has been noticed that coin laundries often attract people who appear to
have made a life time profession of not using soap.

If you have ever cheated in solitaire, I don't really want to know you.

What did people do, before the time of remote control on the TV set?

No sport requires more strategy than the mile run.

I would much prefer antiques if they were not so darned old.

Them folks what grows cacti in the indoors is a little off the center too much.

The next time you go to a really swank restaurant where the prices are high
and you feel inferior, try checking the gum underneath the tables.  You'll
find out that them what has been there before chews the same awful stuff
you chew.  DO NOT take any of this home!

People who clip their fingernails in public deserve to be thrown off a bridge
during a tidal wave.

If the sight of a beautiful rainbow no longer excites you, than you had better
prepare to pack it in - you are already dead.

It is most difficult to meet anyone who does not like a yes man or woman.

When people speak of "a loved one passing," it is a fairly good indication
that they did not like the person.

It is reasonably safe to judge a restaurant by the coffee they serve.  If the
stuff isn't up to snuff, than it is likely that the rest of the menu will be
inferior as well.

The only real bad part about traveling is the traveling.

A good number of you who are reading this material have a library book that
has been overdue since 1974.  Please return it immediately if not sooner.

People who constantly check the coin return in the pay phone, when they have
no change coming, should be whipped.

People who wear mirrored sun glasses should seek professional help.

Being rich means that you don't have to wait for the paperback.

If you have not changed your vacuum cleaner bag in the past five years, you
can forget it, since it is a little late now.

One of the better deterrents to the consumption of junk food is accomplished
simply.  Just read the label.

Where did all the bag boys in the grocery store go, the ones who knew how to
pack the stuff so that the bread did not come home crushed?

Carwashes which allow you to stay in the car are a lot more fun.

There are a good number of people who watch delayed action football games on
television.  Already, before they watch, they know who is going to win.
Of course, what is really bad is when they make bets on the game as they are
watching it, and lose!

Those buttons you push on the traffic light post at the corner are not really
connected to anything, but they make you feel better as you wait for the light
to change.  Most people who push the button feel they have done something.

Three people came from Indiana, two of whom are famous.  Jim Jones, Charles
Monson, and of course, Dan Quayle.

There is little more frustrating that having a dollar bill machine return your
dollar bill, just after you finish the wash phase at the car wash and find that
you now need money to get to the rinse phase.

There are two types of people in this world, those who crack their knuckles,
and those who would like to crack those who crack their knuckles.

About them unfinished sentences and what they should be.  And them subjects
and objects which ought.  Never no way should they not.  Sometimes it is that
they are and other times they aren't.  I took the Evelyn Woods Speed Reading
Course and don't know where I put it.  Anyway, a sentence should always be.

The sincerest form of flattery in television is imitation.

Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary who will
do it for him.

One of the most important lessons which history can teach us is that we do not
learn all that much from history.

Boxing is the only sport in the world where two men get paid for doing
something to each other that if they did otherwise, they would get arrested for
doing, particularly if one or both of them had been drinking beforehand.

You may wish to think of animals as dumb, but they don't hire lawyers and they
don't have doctors, and what is even more telling, they don't pay taxes!

In California, they don't throw garbage away, they make it into television
shows.

The native talent of a child to endure and survive stems from the sheer lack
of awareness of any viable alternatives.

If you really want to annoy your neighbors and worry them no end, cause them
to sit up nights in anxiety, than there is but one way to do it.  Tell the
truth about them. Truth needs no embellishment and is always better than any
fiction possible.

People often enjoy things more if they know a good number of other people who
have been denied the pleasure of the experience.

When a man and a women argue, it is often the stupidest of the two who thinks
He has won.

A liberal is usually a wealthy person who is able to offer others advice on
how they should spend their money.

Most women are not as young as they are painted.

True liberty is one of the imagination's most precious possessions.

Never forget to forgive those who have forgotten.

The principle whereby politicians screen out a candidate for a position on
the basis that the candidate lacks moral principle and tone is about as
rational as selecting members of the Mafia to review materials for presentation
to a Sunday School class.

Old parades never die, they just float away.

Love quickens all the senses save perhaps that one which we call common, and
that one seems to slow down considerably when love bites.

The dismaying thing about man is not where he descended from, but what he is
willing to descend to in the course of living life.

Historically speaking, in the Middle Ages, women used cosmetics extensively.
Even today, in the middle ages, women use cosmetics extensively.

If you are a normal person, you doubtless sometimes worry about things that
might happen and fortunately do not.  A neurotic person worries about things
that did not happen and wonders why.

Money can't buy everything, of course, and as a matter of fact, it can't even
buy what it used to buy.

Old chairpersons never die, they just don't get through the motions.

The cornerstone of wisdom is finally laid and put in place when the man or
women in question gets wise to himself or herself.

My neighbors have been known to be overly friendly, particularly on the day
when I am moving.

IF you think getting an education is expensive, try living with ignorance.

If time heals all wounds, most people should not require going all the way
in to see the doctor.  Just a wait in the waiting room should be enough.

The reputation of a person is precious, and the character of a person is
priceless.

A form of open-mindedness is the pathway to wisdom.  Close your mind and you
open the way for ignorance to flourish, but you will never even know it.

Blessed are the hard of hearing, since this allows them to miss most of the
small talk.

Nurses are patient people, but comments like this can make them sick.

Although most cowboys are not politicians and most politicians are not cowboys,
they share the common experience of being able to do a fairly decent job of
throwing the bull.

Those who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who feel
that we know everything, especially when we discover that everything they know
and everything we know does not match.

Life is getting a bit more complicated.  The kid who made the most low grades
in high school and set the record in this regard has gone off to school to
learn how to clean venetian blinds.  The course takes three weeks!

A Teenager is someone who gets excited when they discover that the phone call
was for them, but this stage of life doesn't last very long.

I can tolerate a little abstinence if the other person does it in moderation.
Usually, it is a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself or
herself the pleasure that is the abstainer.

I surely don't want to be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now.  If I
were, then I wouldn't be, and so all of this could not take place as it happens
to me now.  It is nice that we get the chance to clarify these things.

Before all of us are multiple decisions. For example, there are a wide variety
of alternatives with regard to the apportionment of the family income, all of
which share the same common failure; they are unsatisfactory.

A decision is what you are finally forced to make when you can not find some
dumb committee.

An alcoholic is one who drinks to forget that he drinks and can lay on the
floor and forget to hold on.

In many if not most elections, the consequences come to about the same result
as two bald men fighting over a comb.  Whichever one gets elected is going to
commission the design of a new comb, and it is going to be expensive.  Of
course, most government expenditures are not as significant as the purchase of
a new comb, but the point is made.

Of course, if the government did commission the design of a new comb, it would
be a classified secret and the costs would be astronomical.

Democracy is government by the people with open discussion and free speech.
This allows those with no ideas to unload their thinking in the most tedious
and lengthy manner.  After this, a vote is taken, and the least informed will
oppose the most confused.  The result, inevitably, will be known as model
legislation.  In time, it will proliferate, and eventually a commission will
be formed to review what has been done and why it isn't working and it will
recommend reforms of the previous efforts.  All of this will be published in
various government journals and cause great debate.  There will be a veritable
waterfall of newspaper editorials and Johnny Carson will use the whole thing
as a part of his monologue.  In the end, the reforms will be defeated.

Cocaine is God's way of telling you that you have too much money to spend.
You are not using it for the benefit of others, so you will pay for your
selfishness.

Ronald Reagan is a good example of a person who let failure go to his head.

A government solution to a problem is always followed by the creation of at
least two additional problems, either of which was worse than the original
problem which the government set out to solve.

Vice President Dan Quayle wants to do something significant, and in his quest
to accomplish this he went to the morgue in Washington recently and announced
that he was ready.  If anyone ever puts a price on his head, he should take it.

I suppose it would be nice to be natural, but it is such a difficult pose to
maintain.

Washington, D.C.: A mysterious zone along the Eastern Coast of the United
States where intelligent people disappear without so much as a trace.

In our society, the Republicans set out to prove that the Democrats can not be
trusted to run the government.  And the Democrats set out to prove that the
Republicans can not be trusted to run our government.  The real problem here
is that both the Democrats and the Republicans have come up with something
which is absolutely true and perfectly correct.  This means that the people
get to pull some sort of horrible trick on themselves and live with their
choice for four years.

Some have thought that I perhaps do not care for Dan Quayle as our current
Vice President. This is incorrect.  I love the man so much I literally worship
the quicksand he walks on.

The real problem with Dan Quayle is that no one is sure of his qualifications,
so no one can speak with any authority about what kind of work he is out of,
or what is needed for him to find something to do.  The man seems to have the
brain of a four year old child, and I rather suspect that the child was happy
to get rid of it.

Today, it is very expensive to have your home painted.  As a matter of fact,
it is much cheaper to call a photographer.

Vice President Dan Quayle has the capacity to restore this great nation to
what it once was, an arctic region covered with ice.  He has persistence beyond
the call of talent.

A newspaper is a device which is unable to discriminate between a bicycle
accident and the total collapse of civilization.

Today is yesterday's tomorrow and if you wait until tomorrow it will be today.

Two nursing homes reported considerable difficulty with elderly people who were
using afghans.  The afghans rose up and mistreated their users.  Officials who
checked into this believe that the Afghans rose up to express resentment for
the recent book by Salman Rushdie and in response to a call by the former Shawl
of Iran that they express their indignation.  Law enforcement officials said
that the whole thing was quite a yarn.  Zerro, an opportunist if ever there
were one, saw a chance to weave the whole thing into a story.  It is bound to
give the knit pickers a whole lot to work with, so it was included here.

Good teachers, said a bank, should be rewarded. With that in mind, the bank
ask various educational officers to submit names for a check for $ l000.00 and
a "plague."  With a bank giving good teachers a "plague," it is easy to see
why they are so few in number.

There is nothing wrong with sex on television.  However, a 25 inch set is much
more suitable than a l3 inch set, since on the smaller set, you tend to fall
off more often.

If you happen to have a million dollars, you are just about as well of as those
who are rich.

A problem which can not be solved is much easier to deal with than a solution
which no one can understand or agree with, so leave it alone.

If what you have just said can be interpreted in a variety of ways, that way
which will cause the most confusion to the greatest number of people for the
longest time and result in lasting harm and distress will predominate
and better endure, and overcome any form of correction far more than any other.

To help you discover why there are so many antique shops, ask yourself just how
much stuff and junk you have misplaced in the last three months.  It had to go
someplace...

If you expect something free to live up to your expectations, you had better
be prepared to see your expectations shattered, since there is no such thing
as a free lunch.

The most vicious rumor which will do the most harm reaches fastest that place
which will be the last to receive the truth.

The more important the communication and the more urgent the need, the more
likely it is that communication gets lost in the mail.  You've never
heard of junk mail getting lost in the mail, have you?

Nothing is really so satisfying as telling a hypochondriac how healthy he
looks.

Life consists in this.  You no sooner get your head above water when someone
flushes and it all starts over again.

One of the greatest advantages in the world is enjoyed by the person who says
and insists that they are telling the truth, when in fact, they are telling the
truth.

If you aim to please nobody it is highly probable that you will achieve some
sort of award for the attainment of your goal.

If you are smart enough to fill out the application correctly and without any
words spelled incorrectly, it is very likely that you are overqualified for the
position and therefore ineligible for it.

There are usually thousands of things you would like to be doing over the thing
that you are currently doing which was one of the things you thought you would
prefer before you did it and found out that your preferences had changed.

There is no such thing as a convenient time for a meeting and there is no such
thing as a meeting which lasts no longer than it should.  In theory, the very
finest meeting is one which moves along so fast that it is finished before it
starts.

It is always a valid assumption to assume that your assumption was invalid.

There is nothing quite so frustrating as a very bad situation which seems to
be increasing, that looks like it may improve on its own, without any help
from you.

If after a considerable time and great discussion, you have finally come to the
point where you can agree on a solution, the solution itself will bring about
fifteen other problems far worse than the one for which the solution was found,
which brought about the discussion in the first place.

If it is so simple that it could not baffle even a fool, you will be completely
fooled and totally baffled.  After all, you are a Zerro reader!

At the very best you always enjoy the full potential of doing something which
is marginal.  With just a little planning on your part, it can also be totally
meaningless, too!  With just a bit more energy and enthusiasm, it can also be
a relatively uncomplicated act of sheer stupidity.

If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, step back and take a
deep whiff.  It may be that there is a lot more manure loose over there.

In any group of five people, one will be confused, one will be conniving, one
will be honest, and two will be trying like hell to figure out where they fit
in this group.

If you can't do anything about it, than have the sense not to.  If you can do
something about it, perhaps it is time to step back and reevaluate your own
potential in a less flattering light.

The more things you do not know how to do, the less you will have to do, and
the more time you will have to unlearn things you knew, so that you will be
able to do even less.

Always be willing to authorize someone else not to make the decision which you
did not make, so in that manner they are unable to complain.

All of the streets in our major metropolitan areas are safe.  The only reason
they may be unsafe is that people are on them.

If an animal always wants to be on the other side of the door, that animal, no
matter how it looks, is a dog.

That person who is so totally insured that only "acts of God" will not be
covered will soon be shocked to find out the many things God can do.

A minor difficulty, if given time and a bit of energy, can be teased up into a
truly major catastrophe.  (This is NOT a Dan Quayle Joke, so knock it off!)

Of course, if you wanted it to be, it could be, and there is nothing I could do
about this...

Those who think that two plus two equals four have not recently been to a real
lumberyard and tried to purchase a two by four.

There are two main periods in which your elected representatives to the
legislature do not do any business.  One is before the election and the other
is after the election.

A fool and his money get special attention on a television show showing you
how to make millions on transactions without investing any money.  The only
investment you will make, in fact, is in the instructional materials designed
to help you pull off this accomplishment.  What they tell you is that you are
going to get something for nothing, and what you do is give something for
nothing.

Avoid being late --- don't even go!

There are a lot of pigeons in this country.  The majority are birds, of course,
but there are a good number which support Jim and Tammy Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart,
Jerry Falwell and a few others who are for the birds.

The sooner you get in debt, the earlier you become aware of the need to pay off
that debt.

There is a very thin line between those who would like to consider themselves
being serious and studious folk and those who took the opportunity to appear
on the Gong Show.

In any government construction project, no matter the state of progress on it,
the cost of completion of the job remains the same, and any delay automatically
accelerates the costs.

No airport is so small that it can pass the opportunity to have Gate # 96.

Never invest in any item that requires constant feeding, watering or painting.

Don't go shopping for anything and you will inevitably come back with something
and whatever it is that you purchased will be the thing you did not need.

An article which insists that whatever you are eating is carcinogenic can be
found in next Sunday's edition of any newspaper which you select to read.

Republican views of the world differ from Democratic views of the world. The
reason for this is that these views are based on different compilations of
misinformation.

There is a difference between a statesman and a politician.  The difference is
that I agree with the statesman.

People who have nothing to say often do and take a good long time doing it.
People who have something to say, often do not.  People who are unsure, often
go ahead and say it anyway, thus putting them into the first category.

If it is full, don't empty it.  If it is empty, don't fill it.  If you don't
look, you won't know.  If you don't know, you won't have to do anything about
it.

One of the frustrations about doing what you do is that most people who do not
do what you do know far more about how to do what you do than you do, and they
are not shy about telling you this.

Being a nice guy does not imply that you always finish last. Sometimes, it will
happen that you don't even get the chance to start.  However, if you do get
that chance, start early.

Shopping centers are constructed for people who do not yet exist.  Most of us
today have bathrooms and use them, but shopping centers do not acknowledge
this.

The fewer the facts, the easier the solution!

Everyone knows that there is a solution to every problem, but not everyone is
aware that every solution to a problem brings about additional problems far
worse than the problem for which the solution is known.

No matter how much it costs to go to the State University, it will cost just
about five times that much to go to the State Penitentiary, so it is much
cheaper to go to the State University and far more interesting and rewarding.

World leaders don't offer all that much direction, really.  After all, the
whole place seems to go around in circles.

Everything comes to him who waits - save the item he loaned to a friend.

Everything comes to him who waits - it is called hash.

Everything comes to him who waits - in Hungary, it is called Goulash

Everything comes to him who waits - and if you hang around long enough,
                                    you'll get yours!
Everything comes to him who waits - and in the doctors office, you can
                                    catch most of it.
Everything comes to him who waits - except that urgent return phone call.

Everything comes to him who waits - and in a building with one elevator, it
                                    will also be noticed that the thing goes
                                    up twice before it comes down once.
Everything comes to him who waits - and in an airport it is usually the voice
                                    over the public address system announcing
                                    that your flight has been cancelled.

No one participates in the march of time without getting a few pebbles in
their shoe along the line of march.

A thing is far more likely to be like it is now than it was before or will be
in the future, although this is less likely to be true, if said of the same
thing sometime later.

A blunderer is a person who opens an outdoor market, in mid-Winter, in Alaska,
in a wilderness, surrounded by swamps, patrolled by hungry bears which stocks
large quantities of parakeet food which sells for exotic prices.

Ugly, I mean truly ugly, really bad and awful, right down to the bone morrow!
That individual would make a train take a dirt road!  Now, that's ugly.

Many folks lack a sense of direction and launch out for the vast perhaps.

You know you have a weight problem when your doctor suggests that you get
into group therapy - by yourself!

Get the facts down pat, and then you can do a skillful job of distortion and
prove just about anything you damn well please.

For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill!

Truth is, after all, stranger than fiction.  With fiction, most of the readers
expect it to make sense.

Experience is that wonderful insight which allows you to recognize that you
have made the mistake a second or third time.

People will forgive most anything, save being incredibly intelligent, charming,
witty, handsome or having a very deep genuine modesty.  These are the reasons
I don't have all that many friends.

In the event your experiment works, do not give up hope.  You still have the
opportunity to come to the wrong conclusion. Even here, if you fail to come
to the wrong conclusion, you can perhaps have yet another chance, by applying
the newly discovered facts in an incorrect manner.



                                 From the
                            JOKIN' AROUND DISK
                                    by
                            LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
                        P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
                          South Australia. 5159.